Y'Know we at She & Him take great bliss in being absent-minded about any tabloid junk - although it bizarrely bores us to mental bereavement we do twist the truth with a tad bit of adjectives for you to chortle at a jocosely spectacle - to make the seemingly boring noteworthy...
After years of throwing hooves at one another in the boardroom we've finally come to the decision to do a feature on Jessica Simpson. In retrospect of all the snot blogs written by She & Him we have never stooped this low before - before we take the dastardly leap we've reprogrammed the dullness in our minds by consigning to oblivion so that we may laugh at anything she did -for the sake of writing, that is...
For the sake of writing - we couldn't care less when it comes to Jessica Simpleton - we are practically blind to her misguidedness and brainlessness - to the point where we just don't care about her...
Jessica has attempted to sway all folks that she's in fact someone when she blemished to unpopularity in 99', daunting our mental state with feelings of panic by adding onto the belief that Y2k would become more than just a fact...
Furthermore, she attempted to crop up laughing material and make herself known when she canceled an attendance to a Republican fundraiser, stating that it was too 'inappropriate' for her to attend a political fundraiser. What a horrible person, eh? Still, it sparked the least controversy because her 'skull and bones' physique was too meaty. Hence 'inappropriate'...
She also came apart in seams and pissed off PETA (which we all know is not your ordinary barmy bar brawl at a Liverpool pub with the mates), when she wore a shirt that said "Real girls eat meat". It was supposedly meant for Carrie Underwood who is a vegan, yet Simpleton ended up being critized for being birdbrain by PETA. According to PETA:
"Jessica Simpson's meaty wardrobe malfunction makes us thankful that no one is looking to her for food advice. Chicken-of-the-sea anyone? The woman who thought that Buffalo 'wings' came from buffaloes would benefit from some good veggie brain food." Need we say more, eh?..
In 2008 Jessica performed at the Country Thunder Festival in Wisconsin, but was practically ignored by country music critics. Jessica ignorantly responded:
"I don't know what your perception is of Jessica Simpson or what tabloid you buy, but I just want you to know that I'm just a girl from Texas; I'm just like you. I'm doing what I love and dating a boy."
We weren't impressed with Simpson's high-jinks of bad-mouthing country folks, insinuating that they're freaks because she's normal for dating boys and not men, and they're not literate because they don't read tabloids. This was poorly recepted with yodels of boo's and moo's - still she failed to sway us over...
Until recently when it was reported that Jessica's "upset" - which made us laugh a lil' - because when it comes to Jessica literally everything is reported - so based on a report - she was knocked off the judging panel in preference for either Paula Shrubdul, the non-alcoholic beverage plain boring enthusiast - or the clear as dishwater thick accent which btw is Cheryl Cole...
Simpson was reported saying that:
"They have definitely talked to me about X Factor. I think it would be alot of fun. It's definitely my life. To be a mentor for up-and-coming artists is right up my alley. I would have loved to have a mentor. I love watching people's dreams come true."
Does she seem 'upset' to you? No. Don't patronize us with your cue-cards, ok? We want the truth Jessica, don't we? According to an insider:
"She was devastated when she didn't get hired to be a judge on X Factor. Though she knows she's lucky her clothing line is so successful, she felt like X Factor was her last chance in terms of her showbiz career."
So, we eulogize for you Simpleton. You have come a long way, been ostracized but this is the last straw of your showbiz career. So don't get upset. We were as devastated as you currently are - and yes, utilize your technical abilities into needlework, and bag-on your lucrative prairie clothing line...
Oh, she'll be espoused one of these days - hopefully - if Eric Johnson doesn't snub her with cold-feet...
Anyways. She's used to it, eh?..
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